WHAT you don’t know won’t hurt you” is a convenient excuse most people use when we don’t want to face certain situations. However, when it comes to family history, there may be things which we don’t know that will come back to haunt us.
Talking to your mother may hold the key to some unanswered medical or emotional issue. It’s not always easy as not all children feel comfortable pouring their hearts out to someone whom they feel isn’t up to speed with the changing world or no longer in touch with their lives. And, for some women, there’s always this awkward chasm between mothers and daughters.
Breast and ovarian cancers usually ha ve a ge netic link, says Prof Dr Muhammad Abdul Jamil. However, there are some questions you should ask your mother as it may make a big difference to your future. For instance, it pays to know what are your risks for developing certain diseases like cancer, diabetes and heart problems.
Jasmine Tan, 38, is a mother of two children aged nine and six. An accounts executive, her mother lives with them and looks after the children when she is at work.
Tan, who has four sisters, describes her mother as someone who takes great care of her health.
“She wakes up early and goes for her morning walk every day without fail. She is also very conscious of what she eats, always avoiding fried or oily foods.
“At times, we feel she borders on being an extremist!” says Tan in jest. “For example, she limits my children’s consumption of biscuits and cookies as she believes they are heaty and can cause fever. However, I know there is no medical proof to that.”
In retrospect, Tan understands why her mother is extra cautious about her health. Both her mother’s father and brother died of stomach cancer, and among the factors that increase the risk of stomach cancer is family history.
Besides stomach cancer, two other cancers that have hereditary links, and affects women are breast and ovarian cancers. One in 20 women in Malaysia has a risk of getting breast cancer in her lifetime.
Tender moment: Daphne (Diane Keaton) and her daughter, Milly (Mandy Moore), cuddling up for an old movie in Because I Said So. Prof Dr Muhammad Abdul Jamil Mohd Yassin, Obstetrical and Gynaecological Society of Malaysia president, said breast and ovarian cancers usually have a genetic link.
“Risk factors are certainly higher if one’s mother has had the disease. (Doctors) have even identified the genes that cause these cancers, which are the BRCA gene mutations. There are tests available to screen for these gene mutations,” he says.
Besides one’s mother, the risk is also higher if one’s father, sister or daughter had breast cancer. The risk increases if that family member had breast cancer before the age of 50.
He added that endometriosis and fibroids are also conditions linked to family history.
If a mother or sister has endometriosis, the risk is seven to 10 times higher and given this background, the gynaecologist may then need to prescribe a more appropriate method of family planning to help with the condition (if you’re not planning to get pregnant).
“If there is a family history of hypertension, especially in your mother, you also face an increased risk of pre-eclampsia,” says Dr Jamil, who is also professor of Obstetrics and Gynaecology at Hospital Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia, Kuala Lumpur. In his experience, about 50% of patients are generally aware of their family’s medical history.
“They may know the history but don’t know the significance of it. However, these are important information and in certain conditions, you need to screen for them. For example, if your mother has Type 2 diabetes, you have a 10% to 15% higher chance of getting gestational diabetes,” he adds.
A mother’s age at menopause is related to her daughter’s age at menopause, possibly because of genetic factors, so it will also help if women ask mum about her change of life to prepare you for what’s ahead.
Relationship matters
Most of us feel our mothers are out of it when it comes to relationships but sometimes, mum does know best.
Shalini*, 36, talks to her mother every day on the phone and meets her at least once a week. Undoubtedly, the freelance writer shares a close relationship with her mum.
One important question she remembers asking her mother was about marriage.
“I’ve asked her the secret to a good marriage and I go to her for advice on how to maintain a good relationship with my husband,” shares Shalini.
“Our talks are really helpful. She’s told me that a good marriage is about give and take. Sometimes you have to give in or let your husband have his way and sometimes your husband should let you have your way.
“The key is to have balance and be able to communicate well with each other. If you add trust and respect to the equation, you’ll have a great marriage. I’ve been married for nearly 10 years, so I guess her formula works!”
Sofia* also shares a very strong bond with her mother and has relatively frank conversations about boys and sex.
“When I was in high school, my mother and stepdad tried to sit me down and talk about safe sex, but I brushed them off thinking I was too young. I also wasn’t really thinking about it that time.
“When I became sexually active three years ago, I asked my mother to take me to a gynaecologist for a pap smear,” says the 24-year-old communications executive.
Before that, Sofia was studying in New Zealand, and that was where she obtained most of the advice and information on sexual health.
“Information was easily accessible there so I guess I was already well-informed, which made it easier for me to talk to my mum about sexual health and I didn’t really need to ask her anything.
“She has also met all the guys I’ve dated and she knows I don’t hide things from her. I think her number one worry is that I’d get pregnant; something she would remind me of sometimes. But, I think she also trusts that I’m old enough to know what I’m doing and that I know the risks.
“I’m very blessed to have such an understanding mother who trusts me, listens without judging and does not pressure me even though I may not agree with her advice or opinion sometimes,” she says.
One piece of advice from her mother that Sofia holds dear is on relationships.
“She said: ‘Life is like a pie and you have pieces that represent your life. For men, their relationship is only one piece of that pie but for women, it’s the whole pie. So we have to think like men,’” Sofia explains.
Besides the birds and the bees, at times there are deeper questions relating to social emotional issues which some women might need to deal with their mothers.
Incidents like domestic violence or alcoholism experienced by your mother may affect her own life and how she relates to people around her.
“When a mother exhibits some negative emotions related to anger, depression, withdrawal and inconsistent behavioural traits, we need to find out the cause as to whether it is due to negative experiences such as domestic violence, abuse, adultery, gambling or drinking in the family when she was growing up, or due to present situations or circumstances,” says Lee Wee Min, executive director of Focus on the Family.
Lee says those questions should only be asked by children who are mature enough to understand such issues and only if there was a need to confront such issues.
“Such experiences may generate a sense of insecurity, withdrawal and indifference in an individual. On the other hand, it can also breed hatred, resentment and anger. As such. if one perceives one’s mother to exhibit some of the extreme disposition as mentioned, it may be good to ask and talk to her about thepast.”
Lee notes however, not everybody who has gone through bad experiences will be negatively affected by them.
“We have to be careful not to assume that a history of domestic violence or other incidents will affect all mother’s relationships with their own children negatively.
“If the mother is able to cope and handle the issue, then it is not necessary to bring it up. But, should a mother be affected by the past, it has to be brought up and professional assistance sought to overcome the negative effects of the experience.
“A professional counsellor would certainly be able to assist a person to navigate the effects of such experiences,” he says.
(*Names have been changed for privacy purposes.)
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